


hurts like hell

by kxbooms



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, THEY DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER, Thanos ruined everything, thanks Barney
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 14:34:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17163767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kxbooms/pseuds/kxbooms
Summary: "i loved, i loved and i lost you.and it hurts like hell."a timeline of peter and gamora's life of how they loved and lost others, and each other.





	hurts like hell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thejollymilano](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejollymilano/gifts).



> Hello! This is my first fanfic on this website, and I am extremely excited! I would like to dedicate this to everyone who has ever encouraged me to write, including my wonderful friends and family.

Peter sat in the living room, his mother stroking his hair. “You okay, baby?”

“Yeah, I guess. Just hurt. Cindy said she would never, ever, go out with me.” He rested his head on her shoulder. “Mom, is anyone going to love me like you loved Dad?”

“You’re still so young,” she whispered gently. “One day you’ll find someone you love, someone who loves you. Just wait.”

 

Gamora stepped onto the market square, her mother’s hand wrapped around hers. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a boy standing at the corner, his blonde bangs contrasting his green face, nervous blue eyes shifting. She looked on as a girl walked next to him, and smiled as she handed him something, a flower. The girl put her lips to his, and they embraced each other. When the accident had happened, after taking stern eyes off the blade balanced in her hand, she had noticed that on one half of the square, the ones among the fallen, the boy lay. The girl on the right had tears in her eyes, in anguish-  
  
“Love is balanced,” the man told Gamora, leading her away.

 

 

Peter felt a hand on his shoulder as he turned around to face the man who had become his adoptive father, the man whose scratchy voice and rude mannerisms had dominance on his life every day.

“You know what to do,” he had told him, and Peter nodded, shaking out the light brown curly hair from his face. Now almost sixteen, he was different from the boy he was eight years ago, the innocent and unscathed. Now he had quick and nimble fingers, fingers that could take whatever he wanted in a matter of seconds before the victim even noticed, and while restrain held him at first, it was slowly pushed from his mind.

When they reached the dark house, Peter nodded at one of the ravagers, Dawni, who signaled back at him, her pink hair flowing behind her. One of Kraglin’s, he guessed. He looked at the snow surrounding him, and walking into the house, he took a deep breath. Yondu wanted a vase for some reason that Peter couldn’t figure out. The house was covered in cobwebs, and hitting the beacon on his arm, he searched for some light.

He then heard a crunch, and next to him was a dark figure, where he could hear a sob.

“Don’t kill me,” a voice whispered. He looked down to see a girl, crying.

“I-” he stammered. “I won’t.” He reached out a hand to help him up. He noticed without fail that she was beautiful.

She continued to cry, and he just stood next to her. This was his first official solo Ravager mission, and he knew he was failing.But she was alone, and he couldn’t just let her cry.  
He tried to nudge the subject around the vase as they later talked, but her words told him otherwise. “That vase is all I have left of my family,” she had said.

Making the decision, he left, but when he looked back, he saw the girl run off with the vase, and smirking back at the ship, she lifted the finger from the middle of her palm. Yondu wasn’t pleased with him when he reached the ship. “You wished you could have a little romp with her?”  
  
“No,” he had responded, and only received a laugh in return.  
  
“You thought you’d be in love with her, huh?” He yelled. “Look, boy, they’re gonna use you so you oughta lose them. Rack up some points as much you can. But don’t think you’ll ever be in a long-term type thing with them.”

Peter didn't want to believe this was love, but he followed his advice anyway.

 

 

Her feet scuffled on the floor as she gripped the sword, focusing on the younger girl in front of her. The other girl was equipped with a dagger, and Gamora felt this was unfair.

Her father watched them above, his eyes focused on both his daughters. Gamora knew that there would be dire consequences for restraint in this fight, but she could not help feeling horrible for the girl. The girl ran at her, and without thinking, Gamora swung her sword.

"OUCH!" the girl yelled, and fell to the ground, her wrist oozing blood.

"Are you alright?" Gamora asked, bending next to her. But she saw Thanos's glare, and felt the scar in her arm from cybernetics, and remembered what she had to do.

Love and mercy would only get in the way.

 

 

He rolled over in his bed, trying not to wake the sleeping woman next to him. He was exhausted, he was sick. The girl did not stir, and for once, he wished she would. He wished he couldn’t sneak away so easily, he wished that she would wake up and beg him to stay. Not in bed, but, well, in her life. That he mattered to someone.

He wanted to know what it felt like. To be wanted. To matter. Out of all the galaxies in the universe, did even one person in one of them truly love Peter Quill?

 

 

Red stained her green hands as her eyes filled with tears, looking at the boy’s body who stood across from her. A boy she had used to get information from, like she always did. No one in the bar cared that the boy was dead, a young one who couldn’t have been more than twenty-two. Why did no one care about the murder they had witnessed? Was it out of fear? Did their fear of her take away their human decency? Would his family even weep for him? Gamora scoffed and stepped out, but she could not help the awed stares from everyone who saw her.

They all feared her. She had what all of her siblings wanted, to be the most feared in all the galaxy. But being feared wasn’t enough for her. People did not cherish you out of fear. People did not appreciate you out of fear. No, fear was useless. She held those words on her tongue, those she could not say, as she once again boarded the mothership. She went closer towards kin who wanted to rid of her, and a titan who had no love for her.

 

 

"What happened?"  
It was a simple enough question, but one that threw him off guard. Because the woman who was asking it was undeniably beautiful. And yet, she did not start with a flirtatious comment. “What happened?” Like she actually cared. Maybe his brain was just fried. He doubted it, the way she chewed on a strap from her boots and the seductive eyes she kept shooting him. Yet he answered, and he knew it was his folly that caused him to go flying across the city. His head hurt, everything hurt. Of course, Peter Quill could ultimately be taken down by an attractive woman. He should know that as others could not trust him, he couldn’t trust her.

 

 

Gamora knew she would be dead soon as she stepped within that building. Hundreds and hundreds in there would want her head. She wish she would be as relentless as her siblings, that she would fight for her life. But yet she looked straight and kept silent.

She deserved it, she thought. Thanos had taken away so much for them, Ronan had taken so much away from them. So when the man found her and lead her away, she did not object. He told her that Ronan had killed his family. People he loved.  
Everyone around her had lost, and she had taken. She had taken love from them, and she had gotten none for herself.  
She was surprised to hear someone approaching, and as she saw it was the thief from earlier, “Quill” he called himself, she was shocked and somewhat annoyed. This was none of his business. It was probably nothing to worry about, he seemed reckless enough to always follow something that seemed dangerous such as this man leading her away to die.

Gamora expected him to leave soon, but he began to open his mouth and start babbling. He promised the man holding her with a knife to the neck empty promises, promises of sweet revenge.  
And the hand around her neck loosened, and she was alive. She would remain alive. She kept her ice cold glare, keeping it so he would not get any ideas. But underneath her facade was a smile as she thought to herself, _maybe, just maybe, I should keep him around._

_  
_

_  
_

He didn’t know what he was doing. He heard cries of protest behind him, as Rocket told him that it wasn’t worth it. Getting himself killed, getting them killed. It wasn’t worth it. Yet, when he saw her in the sky, her beautiful figure floating among the multicolored nebulas, he disregarded logic. She meant something to the galaxy, to the universe. She was born of it, she could change it.

He thought that was worth something. Worth more than him. A thief, a womanizer. And so Peter Quill put aside everything he had ever learned, taking off his mask and putting it on her.  
Maybe he could work his way to being someone worth loving.

 

 

She had thought she was going to die as they fell out of the ship, out towards the ground. Her only chance to redeem herself, and she was dying. She graced herself for impact when all of a sudden she felt light around her. It was surrounding her, blinding her, as she saw the leaves surround her. She could only gaze in wonder and confusion. However, she soon saw the wood and knew what was happening.  
  
Groot was dying, she saw, and yet he had a smile on his face. She did not deserve this. Another life gone while she stayed alive. But she heard his last words, words that seemed as if they were nonsense, but the way he smiled and uttered them gently told her one thing. He did it for love.  
  
If he could give out to love to those who didn’t deserve it, then she may have a chance.

 

 

Peter knew it was foolish to take the stone into his hands, the very thing that could kill him. But he had lived his whole life being selfish, maybe he could try giving up something for once.  
  
"Take my hand." His mother. He reached towards her, and instead, he felt Gamora's hand. He looked at her, as they were surrounded by purple, as she screamed a terrifying scream.  
  
He felt another hand take his, and another, and for once, Peter Quill felt as if there were people on his side.

 

 

Music. It filled his ears as he looked around, seeing those who looked at him in admiration. He saw Dey, his daughter, and his wife, together. The planet, alive, in love. In the ship, he saw her small smile as she slightly nodded her head to the music. It was a small gesture, but it was enough. He heard a small whine and saw Rocket, holding in a small flowerpot a wooden figure. A new life. Drax, who looked out the window with a sense of satisfaction, as the ones he loved had been avenged.

If this was Peter Quill’s life now, he did not mind it.

 

 

Her eyes rolled at his teasing, his flirting. How he looked at her with the goofiest look on his face, smirking at others so maybe he would get a rise out of her. 

Stolen dances in secret, bickering, embraces. It was always complicated with him, and she never wanted to give him the satisfaction of being right.

 

 

He heard the stories his mother told him as a child. “He was an angel,” his mother had told him. And he marveled at how he had now met the man, the angel, and how he had loved her.  
His father, an empty part of his life. Here, in front of him.

This was the hero he had been waiting for. 

 

 

“I finally found my family!”  
  
“I thought you already had!” The words had lingered on her lips for some time, and as she spoke them, she could feel vulnerability and heartache. Deep down, she should’ve known that she wasn’t enough for Peter Quill.  
  
No one would ever be.

 

 

“Where’s Peter?" she asked. "ROCKET! WHERE'S PETER?" Her question generated no answer, just a sad silence.

All she felt was not anguish, but brokenness. She had already seen so much loss, that this would not be the last time. But no matter how much she didn't want to admit it, she  _cared_ about Peter Quill.

 

 

Peter Quill one with the stars. He was floating, a surreal experience in the arms of someone who he would have never expected. Someone who had raised him in selfishness was now being selfless. But Peter's awe was now being replaced with protest. "You'll die!" By now he was screaming, with all his might. And yet he saw Yondu's blood go cold and his face lose all color. Was anyone able to love without dying?

 

 

Gamora put her arms around Peter that night as they saw the colors in the sky. She knew he had lost, but for now, this was okay.

 

 

"All I wanted was a sister!"  
The words could not stop echoing in her ears as she walked over to where Nebula stood, alone. Nebula stood, staring at her hand angrily, as she twitched it around.  
  
They faced each other, and Gamora began her apology. "I was a child like you, concerned with staying alive."  
  
The image of a young Nebula, screaming as she was led into the surgery chambers flashed in her mind. The scared little girl who she did nothing to help.  
  
"There are more little girls like you in danger. You can stay and help them."  
  
"I'll help them by killing Thanos." Gamora did not think that was possible, but her sister could do it if anybody can. And she pulled her into an embrace that was long overdue, hoping that somehow, she could fix the past.  
  
Maybe she could finally love her sister in the way that siblings should.

 

 

He had met so many men and women across the universe and not one of them made his heart stir like she did. She had been the first one to kiss him that one day when Rocket had walked in on them and laughed so hard that he almost fell on the floor. They had been in paradise, going to different planets and dancing and drinking, and he showed her everything she never got to experience as an assassin, a cold, unfeeling weapon. Drax and Mantis were best friends, Groot was growing up, and Rocket was coming closer and closer to maybe, just maybe, being okay with himself. And as years passed on, Star-Lord and Gamora grew even deeper in love.

But, of course, there were some things that could not last.

 

 

Her fingers lingered on the seat of her chair as she heard her boyfriend sing along to a song, a song that she felt was so irritating at first that she had grown to love. Everyone was enjoying themselves, and since Ego, not many life-changing things had happened. Sure, there was that random mob boss who was after Rocket (which she didn't even _want_ to know what he did in the first place), and the odd planet that Peter said looked unsettlingly like New Jersey, but it had all blown by.

If she was telling the truth, she felt on edge about this. For four years her life had been easy and good.

And that's when the body fell on the window.

 

 

Peter stroked her fingers in the dim light of their chambers, trying to distract himself from his worry. He didn't know if he trusted Thor, he was once again a bit annoyed by Rocket's reckless arrogance. He had known that he and Gamora were irresponsible, thinking that everything was alright, thinking that maybe if they just ignored Thanos would go away.

"Peter," she said in a hushed voice. "I need to ask a favor."

"Sure," He responded earnestly. He heard her sigh.

"If Thanos gets me..." she began, and Peter inhaled. _Don't_ _talk_ _like_ _that,_  he thought. _I_ _need_ _you_ _to_ _not_ _talk_ _like_ _this_. "I need you to promise me that you will kill me." His stomach lurched, and he could only utter one word.

"What?" he asked.

"I know something he doesn't. Something that could threaten the entire Universe." Peter could not breathe. He asked, but she could not tell him.

"Swear to me," she said. "Swear to me on your mother."

And he had no choice but to do it.

 

 

She trembled as she heard his voice again, the voice that she had not heard in years. The voice that brought her terror and comfort, freedom and bondage. The voice that she hated with all her might but somehow also missed.

Her father. If he knew she was here she did not know what would happen, and though she knew what she had to do, she wanted to avoid it. But instead, all it took was one loud thud, and his attention went from a sputtering Tivan to them.

All Gamora could feel was adrenaline as she charged head on toward her father. She ignored Peter's instructions, ignored everything because all she wanted and was afraid of was her father's blood. She ran at him, slashing him with her sword, keeping the dagger in her hands, the damn dagger that she abhorred with all her heart. Only moments after a short fight, it was in his neck. "Why," he uttered, falling to the ground.

Out of the pits of her stomach came a cry, a cry more desperate than she had ever cried, it was like the very foundation of her soul was shaking. She wept, because she hated him as much as she loved him, the one who raised her, who abused her, who fed her, who wielded her. She ignored the gasps, the clamor, and just saw her dead father, and felt his blood on her own hands.

 

 

 

Peter should have known that he wouldn't be killed so easily, as the sky around them turned a faint orange. He should have known that his friends would be conquered, and that Gamora would be in Thanos's reach.

He staggered over there, trying to hold back his fear, though he couldn't resist being intimidated by the size of the Titan.

"LET HER GO!" he yelled, saying to Gamora with a profound sense of sadness, "I told you to go right."

"Ah, the boyfriend." Thanos chuckled. Peter had loved and treasured the word boyfriend, but now the word felt gross and worn in his mind. Again and again Peter's threats came, ridiculous and immature, as he tried once more to use his annoying nature to distract Gamora. To sweeten the pain of what he knew he had to do.

"You promised," Gamora said to him, crying, desperate, more than he had seen her. He pointed the gun towards her, ignoring Thanos's words.

"I love you," she says, "more than anything." And she smiles at him, causing his heart to break.

He would never forget how beautiful she looked, her green skin contrasting against her long red hair, tears in her beautiful brown eyes. How could he destroy something so lovely?

But time ran out, and she disappeared in a mass of bubbles.

 

 

"Everything I hate about myself you taught me," she whispered. She was lead down a dark hallway, side by side with the one who she hated most.

_"Everything I hate about myself you taught me."_

She saw her sister, broken, screaming, helpless. She stood.

_"Everything I hate about myself you taught me."_

"I swear to you, on my life, I never found the soul stone."

"The strong? Me. The generous? Me. But I never taught you to lie," he spat, and Gamora hated herself once again. Her sister screamed, screamed, screamed-

_"Everything I hate about myself, you taught me."_

"VORMIR!" she screamed, touching her sister's cheek. She made a mistake, she made a horrible mistake. But Thanos had not taught her love, he had not taught her loyalty.

She taught herself that.

 

 

The moment Peter saw the ship, he was ready to attack. At any cost, he would find her. Going in, he thew away all caution, going after Thanos's minions, dressed in metal and cloaks.

Soon, he found out the identity of them as allies, not enemies. They were not ones who he should hate. He tried to work with them, tried to keep his mind away from hate, because that's not what Gamora would want.

He had to find her.

 

 

Her boots sunk in the heavy snow of the mountain as she follows Thanos. Gamora searched for a plan in her mind, anything, at how she may defeat Thanos.

They were approached by a man, skin of red and black, who asks of a price. He was like her father, ambitious and desiring of the stones. She hoped Thanos would as he did.

A cliff awaited them, and she thought about pushing Thanos off, but it was a naive idea, as she knew that she did not possess the strength. "The stone demands a sacrifice," said the man. "A sacrifice of what you love."

Gamora felt as if a world has been taken off her shoulders. Nothing her father has ever shown for her has been love. He only loved himself, his own power, maybe if he was dumb enough he could throw himself into the abyss. However, she saw the tears in his eyes, and everything came to a stop.

She was wrong. If anything she should have known love looks different for everyone. His love for her is not good and kind and pure, not like the love of the Guardians, the love of Peter. His was selfish and greedy, but in his own mistaken twist of passion the Soul Stone may accept it as love.

This was her end. She thought of Peter as she put her dagger towards her chest, hoping that one day they may meet again.  
She counted everything she held dear to her: Peter, Drax, Mantis, Rocket, and Groot. Her real mother. Even Thor, for the brief moment of kindness. His hold was strong on her, as he dragged her to the edge of the cliff.

She screamed and kicked, feeling as if she is a child. And she flew. She was dying alone, she knew. She was the only one in the air, and all she could do was think about others.

Her mother's arms around her as she tried to keep her from harm.

Her sister's embrace of forgiveness and growth.

Groot's branches around her, protecting her from harm.

The touch of Peter's lips on hers and promises of happiness and warmth.

She had always acted as if she did not fear death, as if death was an associate, but now she does fear.

Because she had so much to live for.

Her body hit the ground with a startling impact, her hair fell across the snow. And when she saw the stars for the last time, she knew that Peter is in them.

And that was enough.

 

 

Peter knew something was wrong as he felt a drop in his stomach. It was the feeling he had felt three times before, the feeling that another part of him was slipping away. He described it in his head as how Luke Skywalker felt in the force as his father died.

But he ignored it. It was paranoia, he told himself. He thought of Tony, and judging by his face, Peter decided that Tony has felt this many times before. The other Peter is to his right, and he wants to ask the kid for a joke, a movie reference, a distraction. But he ignores it, because Thanos is here.

Thanos is trapped in front of him, the very man that caused him, Gamora, Drax, and Nebula so much pain. Everyone's eyes were on him, as he demanded, "where is she?"

Peter knew something was wrong when he heard Mantis say, "he mourns."

Peter knew his world was crashing down when Nebula connected the dots. He felt tears in his eyes as he yelled, ignoring Tony's words of warning. And without thinking, he punched him in the face. He punched him and punched him, because who wouldn't? He felt this way when his mom was taken from him, when Yondu was taken, and now when Gamora was taken. He dug into his fury, sobbing and punching, because he couldn't stand to save a galaxy she wasn't in.

He didn't think about the rest of the world. Because he had lost his own.

 

 

Peter Quill was dying. He was dying in his own guilt, surrounded by victims of it. He was dying by his own friends, Drax and Mantis, who had only stood by him. He was dying by a wizard who had so much to offer to the world and a man who had lost so much already, and a kid, a _child_ who would never get to grow up.

He was dying like his father, who he saw turn to dust before his own eyes.

He was dying, just like Gamora did. As he faded away he thought about all the people he had doomed by his quick temper. All the people he had stolen from and hurt.

The ones who he had helped; the Guardians, Xandar, numerous others. He had loved Rocket, Drax, Mantis, Groot, and Gamora. He hoped Rocket was safe.

He let his body turn to dust because maybe he deserved it. Maybe he didn't. But whichever it was, he would get to see Gamora again.

That's what mattered.

 

 

 _hey y'all prepare yourself_  
_for the rubber band man_

Gamora heard the music come, a new addition to those she had now seen. So many people, so many that Thanos had killed. Some were mourning, some were rejoicing in the arms of their loved ones.

But when she heard the music, she knew everything would be alright. She followed it, searching around and around for it, walking across the pool of orange.

She stopped when she saw him, stooped over with a machine in his hands. He turned around to face her, and they smiled, smiled because all they loved was right there.

Their existence was over, but they were finally home.


End file.
